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Showing posts from 2010

Autism: Lifelong Solitary Confinement?

It's always a great pleasure to see the amount of people following this blog has increased.Thank you my dear followers, please let me know if you miss something I should blog about.

As Julian Assange - heaven thanks- was released from prison last week, he spoke about his nine day stay in solitary confinement. People with autism can be seen as potential prisoners in their own lifelong solitary confinement I think. We have freedom of speech, freedom to walk around, no bail needed to explore the outdoor world. But somehow autistic people are locked up in their own mind, not to be able to share things, express their deepest inner feelings and many more. Just a thought.

Soon one of the world's most famous cities will be visited again! My ex-bf is coming with me! Happy with this! Happy X-mas everyone, and c u soon.

X-mas will be special once more!


December morning
Too cold to get up
Lay down for a while
Thinking about a new day to come

Every morning I wake up
pure and fresh
and then
I realise
I have Autism
Another day with sensory overload, mental chaos and question marks all over....
Somehow every day its a struggle, just for a minute and than it's ok

Because I can not live without my autism
even If I would
So I carry on
put my Aspergers in my rucksack again
and move on
into another promising day
That's my autism

Light in the Darkness

The past week I realised how stressful things have been lately. For months lots of serious things came upon my path. It was useful to deal with them. Now, finding my way to a new beginnning, my focus is set on finding Light in the Darkness. It's time to think things over and realise that what life is about.

These days I have to deal with a special interest. After having the life experience in dealing with special interests, I know now what to expect. Somehow everytime this phrase of Aspergers shows itself with all his beautiful but also dark sides, I keep surprised by the impact this special interest might have. It is like a knock down, strangely enough a knock down which makes me get lots of extra energy.

As we call those autism related special interest in Dutch "Fieps", my "Fiep" seems to hide some other things. The "Fiep" might relief the pain caused by the broke up. What my surrounding concerns there seem to be no reason to worry about me and m…


Yes, Weekend. Lots of reading and thinking to do. Depends on the weather what's up to do. Might do some training on street crossing. I have created a new habit on walking through the park a few times a week. It eases my mind to walk and do some thinking as well. Perhaps new habits are a way to deal with the loss of both bf and his child.

New Beginning

It has been a while. Sorry if you stopped by here once and not found a new posting. I regret to announce that what has been a wonderful, loving and 14 months lasting love affair has come to an end. My boyfriend and I have split. No feelings of hate, it just had to be this way. We hopefully can remain to be good friends. It is strange to loose a stephchild and in laws this way. Sad. Both families were happy with our partners. Well, they say, evevery time a door is closed, a window has opened somewhere else. Autisme and loving can mix together, I know now for sure. Emotions were intense during the last week.

Been working hard on my therapy. As I walked down the city today it seemed being occupied with all thoughs on our break up, my fears had almost gone. Perhaps one needs a certain level of stress to make fears go away ;-)

Will link a twitter account to my blog. So you can follow me there as well. Hope you are all doing ok.

October 2010

Autum brings us lots of beautiful things. The trees begin to show their colours, the woods seem to be places to discover many hidden treasures. I love this time of year. We make many long walks. It seems a time of changes is coming up. Bf has been told his job almost certainly might be discontinued. Insecurity rules. We try to keep positive and each step in life might bring new opportunities despite the crisis. The hardest thing these days is to cope with insecurity. This all costs lots of energy. I try to support Bf as much as possible. He shows he is grateful for this!

Meanwhile my agryophobia treatment (agyrophobia is the fear of crossing the streets)continues and further progress has been made. Slowly I lean to deal with the different ways one can look around being on the pavement. I now regulary practise crossing streets, even with my coach. She notices things in my behaviour I was not aware of. Interesting. Being a modest person I now learn that overcoming this agryophobia has …


Time flies. It's amazing how many things can happen in a lifetime and yet how small every taken step might sometimes seems to be. The results show once more that therapy can be a real good investment.
One of the main things is to learn that the way you feel not always is the right way you can see things in a situation. E.g. I have the idea that having autism, no paid job might mean that my life is less useful than others...A dangerous idea I know. It does not help you to get more self confidence. By looking at my self destroying thoughs on being useless I learn that the way you feel is not always trusthworthy. Your sens might get you down down there, even there is no rational reason for. Self confidence has increased and more and more busy streets are no longer a nightmare to handle. Yesterday I made my way through the busy city and crossed some streets extra just to exercise.
We all are very happy with this result. We continue to take do to the exercises which now seem to be very…


Another day to exercise. Step by step things are getting better. I am able to see more while outside.It is funny how much there is left to discover as one looks more carefully.In case of a phobia, it is amazing how much you can win by changing your point of view. From your inner darkness towards the lights in the world around you.Yes, found the way back to self confidence!
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August 2010

It's been a busy summer. Seen lots of things, done many social activities with others. All was fine. There is always a thin line between a lot and too much. Finding a balance is sometimes difficult. If you do not keep your own borders in mind, the fall after having done too much, can be a tough one.

Bf is doing great. We keep going fine and make time to do other things as well. The therapy started again, what can it be difficult to change your thoughts on things. There seem to be so many thinking habits. It is interesting to find out what the use of one single word can do. Take for example the word NOT...Considering this word it is quite obvious that NOT often has a negative sound. What a difference it can make if you replace NOT by YES.

Take care everyone. Bye for now.

Summer Moves On

While our country is in winning mood because of the World Championsship Soccer 2010 Final in South Africa tomorrow evening, summer brought hot temperatures and fantastic summer days. Been to the beach today, I hope I can sleep tonight because of my now red coloured skin.

Meanwhile love is doing great, he is a real friend and as a partner I keep discovering new insights. We can talk very well togheter and we have lots of fun too. Yes, being Aspie one needs to find a good balance between energy demanding and energy giving....

Therapy has summer holiday. I keep on practsing. Wanna write more on this blog next months. Hope you are all doing fine. Enjoy Summer.

One Life. Live it. Dare!

Because of a weak balance/bad locomotion I have not dared to cycle for about 13 years. Every time I tried, it turned out to be a drama. While busy expanding my views on fear during my treatment against agoraphobia, I suddenly got the motivation to cycle again.

So, I now daily practise the art of cycling for about 10 minutes every time. It is important only to do exercises which will go ok, this in order to increase self confidence. A bad experience now, like falling of my bike or so, might expand my fears. So, in the middle of this tiny little village cycle. Among the famous Dutch meadows with that special sunlight and clouds things. It is so great to be able to cycle again. So far, I can make it till the end of the street...Every little step counts. You only have one life. Don't let fears take over your dreams. Just do it!!

The goal of this blog, The value of the autism hub to me.

In my humble opinion it might be time to make clear what I think is the meaning of this blog. As you might have noticed the 'old' website has been closed down for some time. A new listing of blogs might appear on the soon to open new version of Considering the fact that possibly my blog might not appear in the new version of the autism hub, I now strongly feel the need why I joined the autism hub.

For several years I was confronted with Aspergers Syndrome. Soon after the first acknowledgement I might have Aspergers I started this blog. Ever since it has been a pleasure sharing thougths, things with you all. My goals for this blog  was to inform you about my life, being diagnosed being an adult.

The value of the autism hub, the way I knew this site until this very day, can not be overrated. It has been very special to be involved in an international mix of autism bloggers. This hub created understanding and friendship and make me reali…

Easter Fun and Pride

This easter is special for me because I celebrate these days in the presence of my boyfriend. He keeps surprising me with his smartness, kindness, caring, loving and rational way of living. We had a great day with his daughter. Afer she went back to her mum, we decided to have a walk through the city. We went to the central station here by train and made a one hour walk back home. It was an intensive traineeship for me, cause we had to cross many streets with a few really busy and complicated traffic situations. Lots of noise and lots of cars and high speed...

My wonderful bf said he could see and feel the difference (we walked hand in hand) comparing to last week. One can not make a phobia disappear at once and we noticed and discussed some serious points to work on, but we managed to reach home safely. I tend to avoid having eye contact with other traffic participants. It's seems there is a fear I can not translate their intention into something which makes me confident drivers …

Self Training on Agoraphobia (2)

Yes, I did it again!! Just got home, it's half past eight in the evening here. I went for a short walk round. Did not take the same route as yesterday, well when you live in a 4 street village, you sometimes come across the same streets ;-)). I noticed again that keeping my tongue up improves my ability to walk in a line straight ahead. The tongue feels like a central point in my body. The tongue becomes the major centre of stability, instead of my feelings or thoughts (brain). I noticed other things around here than yesterday. I am so proud of myself.A kind of adrenaline stuff comes up, feels like heaven! It is almost addicting, as this brand new feelings are much stronger than the fears. The fears seem to have been defeated by a relaxing kind of mood things. Yes, I can!!

Self Training on Agoraphobia(1)

Because you have only one life to live, and sooner or later one must battle against the monsters of terror created by your own mind, I decided to start doing some exercises to defeat agoraphobia.
Some years ago I attended some seminars given by Pieter Frijters, a well known Dutch counsellor who has created his own method to fight fears and phobias.His site says it all. Ofcourse this man has written a book about his method. During the last weeks the fears got that worse that I hardly could see any light at the end of the agrophobia tunnel. Medicine, more medicine, no, I do not want to ease my pain that way.

So I told myself, "OK, Aspie Bird, it's all in your hands now, you have to be your own coach, let's start today, just what Peter Frijters writes in his book, start doing things, step by step and do things daily. I just got home from my adventure nr. 1 bringing a letter to the mailbox. One of the golden rules in order to reduce fear is to keep …

Spring is in the air!

Let me first tell you how touched I am by having 50 blog followers! Thank you all. I try to post more often.
Maybe it's not necessary to write much every time..

The agoraphobia therapy has not started yet, however it seems the waiting list could be less than I expected. Just have to wait and things will be ok. It's time to learn how to deal with sensory overload caused by traffic. It just makes my world becoming smaller and smaller. After the winter, spring is in the air now. How I love gardening!

The last weeks have been busy and once again life and death are just round the corner. Those things make you realise that whatever problems my asperger may give me, there is a lot in life to be grateful for. Life and fun do belong together too.

Hope you are all doing well. Take care.

Changes & Dreams

A lot of changes seem to make their entry in my life. Yesterday I said farewell to my support worker. After having shared many things, we are forced to end our business contact. It's all a matter of money.
It's strange. We shared thoughts about the past two years and dreams about both our future together as we had a farewell drink yesterday. Life goes on. I have already met my new support worker. So far she seems to be a good choice. Changes however, do effect me deeply. Yes, I am an Aspie :-). I try to find rest in doing lots of other things like the bookcrossing things. I really like it and it's an adventure to prepare books for future travel around the world. I recommend to you all! The books I use for bookcrossing are used books, often bought cheap in a second hand store. And there are many people who are happy to get rid of their old books..

Dreams about the future are related to the subject of fear. Being an Aspie I can clearly think of t…

Snow, Cold and Love

It seems the winter could last long this year. It has been 20 years since the snow and the frost lasted this long.
The white cover makes the world beautiful. It's so nice to feed the birds now. Watching them from inside is so relaxing. This weekend I was planning to visit my boyfriend, but due to the weather alarm I stayed home. Other parts of Europe has been given more snow! It's OK here. No complaints.

A lot of changes come up. The company who provides my caregiver has decided to quit the care given to support people living by themselves with autism. That means that I have to change coach. I must say goodbye to my coach for 2 years. That's a pity. She knows me well and we can get along well. During the past weeks we have been busy selecting a new caregivers agency. Now I have found coach, one which will start on February 1 st. So far I am confident things will be okay. I have made goals to reach.

Another change might come up, but after winter. We have decided to seek tre…